What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
