guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
jump out the window naked night went bad
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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