since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
