Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Never let your siblings swipe right.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
