I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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