On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
worst night to have a conscience
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
