Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
