So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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