If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
