I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
