ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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