we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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