you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
