I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
