Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
