i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Randomize
