Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
