I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
he laminated a picture of his dick.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
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