He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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