I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
