so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
