I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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