The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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