I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
