You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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