I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
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