You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I had to cum in my sink.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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