You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
