i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I fill condoms, not promises.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
