I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Randomize
