Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
