so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
