Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Randomize
