Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
