I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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