what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
