Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
