I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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