Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
