I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
