Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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