Girls should come with a carfax report
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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