I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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