ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
