Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
