Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
