Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
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