the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I wish you could order shots online.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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