You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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