Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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