just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
