You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Randomize
