I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
