Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
