This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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