Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
